It's funny when someone close to you dies, how your mind and your emotions kind of take over and help you mourn almost naturally. I still think about Jeff everyday when I go throughout my day. I wonder, and worry, and keep him alive in my memory. I keep seeing older men that remind me of him. I finally had a dream about him last night for the first time since he passed. I was in his house, but it was a new one. He didn't have any medicine in the house, it was clean, and he had a crib in there for Van. I got the message that stuck with me until I woke up that he didn't have any more health problems, so there was no need for medicine in this house.
You know how you dream at night and in the morning when you wake up you can only remember fragments of it? That's how this dream was, and I tried with all of my might to piece it all together. Did he come to visit me in my sleep, or was it my minds way of healing the wound that still lies in my heart? I decided to walk down to the dog park with Van and the dogs. No matter what dog park I go to I can't help but remember all of the times I spent with Jeff at the dog park. It truly felt as if he was there with me. Before I moved here I went over to Jeff's house to get some of his things and something he had in his garage for my sister. I found a black feather on the ground in front of his garage with white spots on it. Not too sure why I was so drawn to it, but I put it in my pocket and held on to it. I wrapped it up and brought it to my mom. She has this special connection with birds and so did Jeff. I had never really seen such a unique little feather.
Today as I was leaving the park I looked down into the grass and that same type of feather was laying there right before my feet. How odd that on this day of so much rememberance I would find something this symbolic of him. I got pretty emotional. I put the feather in the trunk of Van's car, because it gave me something physical to hold onto. Van looked up at me, reached into his trunk, pulled out the feather and gave it to zeke, it dropped into the grass and after searching all over for it, I realized that I needed to let go of him. Van is only 16 months old but he teaches me something new every day. Let go Mommy! I may read into things too much at times, but I always learn something. I finally have my emotions back!
Conner is on his way home from Indonesia today, I can't wait to have him here with us again. We have missed you so much. You are such a very important part of our little family. See you soon, DAD!
Labels: emotions, family
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