with my own two hands

Today I have been reflecting on the past 7 weeks, and remembering how awesome it was when I found out I was pregnant. I had no idea of the life changes that were upon us. I was so excited to carry a baby and grow my seedling for 9 months. Now when I sleep at night I still don't sleep on my stomach remembering how it felt to have you in there. I miss you in my belly sometimes. But I am so happy your here VaN.

For the past 7 weeks I have felt this feeling of utter completeness that I never knew this child could give to me. I was always looking for something else, but it's the need to be needed by a child that I was looking for. God fills my soul, but Van is my soul. I look forward to every minute I have with him, and can't imagine leaving him in the arms of someone else to return to work. it doesn't seem worth it. The most awesome feeling is that I can feed this little boy on my own too, I look forward to the times where we can sit together and I can hold him to my belly and feed him. It is the most amazing time we have together. When we feed him with a bottle, I miss him...

I can't believe how fast he is growing and becoming a little boy, with a big belly. At night I go into his room to just look in the crib in amazement that he is ours. I wish he could sleep in our bed every night. The books I read say I should keep him in his room so he can get adjusted to falling asleep on his own. I want to help him fall asleep every night, but I know I need to start letting go and let him learn to do things on his own already at the tiny age of 7 weeks old.
I Love the way he looks at me when I show up in his room after sleeping in there on his own. He is happy to see me. The smiles that he just started doing, melt my heart and give me energy to get up 3 times a night to snuggle with my little one and push him close to me. I like to make him feel snuggy, like he may have felt when he was in my tummy. I love swaddling Van at night when he goes to sleep, I see the peaceful look that comes over his face when he realizes he is safe and snug. That is all I want for him right now, to feel safe. I realize I cannot provide that feeling for him forever but for now in these early days that is all I am striving for. I doubt myself everyday that I could do things better for him, but as soon as I take a deep breath and look into those big blue eyes it all seems alright again. I relax, and hold him close to my heart where he belongs.